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"I think you're selfish," said he.
"I know," said she.
"Okay," said he.
"But how am I selfish?" asked she.
"You said you know!" exclaimed he.
"I know you think I'm selfish, but I don't know why," said she.

And around we go, always going, complaining, whining, never ever able to escape who we are, a prison we create within ourselves of our own limitations, our own inability to break out of the role we've assigned ourselves. Irritating to the core, but forgiven as long as the beauty remains. Take that away, and it's gone, baby, gone. Trapped within myself, I fail to see myself. People love me and forgive my flaws. People hate me and obsess over them. And I remain unable to change, unable to see, unable to fight my very nature, because I don't know how to be, was never taught, can never know. Therapy, the word, the answer, the only thing people have been able to say. Because clearly, this is the only way to move past it. Pay some preppy douchebag with a PhD five big ones an hour to listen to me whine about my dysfunctional family and my tortured childhood while they periodically offer cryptic suggestions. Blah blah blah blah blah.

And me, without the desire or the time to actually figure it out myself, and whine about how my life and personality sucks because my parents suck because their parents sucked and so on and so forth, and we toss around the ball of blame because taking it would just be far too honest for each of our tastes.

So I write about it here, in my journal which everyone can see but no one does, because it's easier than actually doing something about it, and my insecurity stems from people talking at me about how I need to be more like everyone else. So every time I actually think about it and analyze it in my head, I wonder why I really give a shit, because the collective person is apathetic and unintelligent and religious but "nice" and "considerate" because they don't stand up for what they believe in, which is the complaint about me. Perhaps the key is to be charismatic and respectful of others' opinions but how can I be expected to be respectful of a religious nut who thinks gays should burn in hell? Shit. There's no middle ground, no way to fix it, and the only solution clear to me is that I just need to surround myself with gay people because straight people are just freaking irritating and are unable to understand why I get so angry when someone says that it's okay to deny gay people the right to adopt and marry. Fuck this shit.

Okay. Cranky and done.



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